He’s in the waiting

By Kelsey Knodel

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting. Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds, He’s never failing. He’s never failing.” (Take Courage, Bethel Music). The first time I heard this song, I was wrecked. The kind of wrecked where you’re crying so hard you don’t even care who sees you. “How can I believe these words?” I thought to myself, “I will never have a baby. He must mean these words for my friend. Maybe I don’t have as much faith as I thought? Maybe if I just believed more? When will it be my turn? What is your plan God, reveal it to me?”

All these thoughts consumed my heart as I attended an all-women’s conference for fertility and faith (Mom’s in the Making). I needed this breakthrough. I believed but struggled with unbelief at the same time. All these lies from the enemy were prowling like a lion in my head.

We have struggled to grow our family. My husband and I met when we were in high school. We didn’t date immediately because he wanted to join the military and I was hesitant to be a military wife. God drew my husband and I closer and eventually we began dating. Our five years of dating survived a deployment and countless growing pains. After we were married, I moved away to graduate school for two years, followed by a year deployment to Afghanistan for my husband. We were newlyweds, married for three years but had only lived together for two months. It was a hard season. After his safe return from Afghanistan, we took a year to just be married, to build a home and to begin our careers. We prayed about starting a family and finally felt it was “time” to start trying. After a year of no success, we met with specialists who determined we were under the “unexplained category.” We pursued treatments for six months with no success.

My heart was broken into a million little pieces. This was the darkest place for me. I now realize that I had put so much trust into doctors and medications that I lost all control and planted seeds of unbelief. This seed grew into a weed, and what I learned is that “weeds sometimes look like flowers” (Jessica Satterfield). Weeds of unbelief grew in the infertile soil of my heart.

I had allowed the lies that the enemy spoke over me to hold me captive and lived in complete unbelief that God could heal me.

But how did I get to that point, from brokenness to braveness? How did God open the eyes of my heart to show me that He is in the waiting, that His plans for me are good, and that my story isn’t over yet? After the failed treatments, my gracious husband knew my heart needed rest. We decided to take a break and just be.

So, I did what I hadn’t done this whole time. I pushed in, I stepped out and prayed boldly, I worshiped, even when it was too painful, or I didn’t feel like worshiping, I showed up, I fought to climb this mountain in the desert, and I was determined to find purpose in this season. And the beauty of all of this is God met me right here in my wilderness. He carried me when I was too tired or needed rest. He showed me the way and brought joy and beauty back into my sights. God revealed to me that He has something greater for me.

He has called me into this season with my faith the size of a mustard seed to stand on the edge of my promise. And He has that promise for you too. I visualize myself standing on the edge of a bluff. Wind is blowing through the strands of my hair, wisping around, the sun is shining brightly on my tender fair skin, and God is holding his hand outward asking me to be obedient and walk. In front of Him is beautiful green grass and rolling hills with the most beautiful flowers and behind me is darkness and frigid temperatures with no sunlight.

So what path must I choose? I choose to walk with God. He wants to give me hope and I need to take my negative thoughts captive and cultivate fertile soil to believe the promises God has spoken over my life. Because what if…what if I am just steps away from my promised land?