Your Sadness + Despair has Ended

-Nikki Helmuth-

Words are almost failing me right now. I am in shock and awe. After 6 years+9 months of hoping and praying we would get pregnant, we did. This journey has been so incredibly hard.  This past year was hard. This past December, I was done with it all, I couldn’t take another month of taking progesterone, charting and everything else. I talked to Brandon (my husband) and he was ready to be done too. We let it all go.

And I truly believed - And if not, He is still good. I felt peace and relief that the pressure was off.  It wasn’t until the summer that I realized that somehow in the midst of letting it go, I became almost cynical of God in performing a miracle for us. I put up a wall and I felt far from Him. I started crying out to Him, praying for the wall to come down, I wanted to be able to let it go, but also believe He could and Would do it for us.

While I struggling with doubt, I reached out to Caroline, from- Mom’s in the Making, during the summer of 2017. How do you let it go, but also have hope that he will fulfill His promise? She encouraged me to come to the first ever, Mom’s in the Making conference in October (2017).  I bought the ticket not knowing how I was going to go. A couple of months later my sister and a friend said they would drive with me (from Iowa) and would go to Magnolia Market while in town.

Since the time, I was working on getting that wall down between God and I. Our pastor preached a sermon and in it he mentioned that we can be as close to God as far as we trust Him. I realized that I felt He wasn’t trustworthy, it hit me how much I didn’t trust Him. He didn’t hold up His end of the deal so why or how could I trust Him? I read Caroline’s blog about unlocking the key to your miracle. It hit me so hard and was exactly what I needed to hear! No matter what, if God didn’t do a single thing for me, I have reason to praise and thank Him for all he has done for me for the rest of my life! How could I accuse Him of so many things after ALL He has already done for me?? I was so convicted, my attitude changed, the wall came down and I was able to truly praise Him! I finally understood what having hope in Him meant.  

Right around the same time, my sister-in-law told me she was pregnant with their 2nd.  I didn’t know what I felt. I was a bit sad and I was going let myself just feel it and process it a little. When I got home from work, I had received a package from Similac! Inside was two little containers of formula. I haven’t gotten anything from them since our 8 year old was a baby.  Was a sign or a slap? I told my husband and we decided we were going to see it as another promise from God. There also were a few coupons in the package with an expiration date of November 25th. I felt that we would be pregnant by that date.

In September, I heard God tell me I was about to come out of the battle and I wasn’t going to come out tired and beaten, but as a warrior! I saw myself dressed in armor with a war going on behind me, there was a field with people fighting, there was fire, and I was walking out of it. I had walked through it and came out as a strong warrior.

I was scheduled to get my period at the end of September, and by October 4th, it still hadn’t come. I decided to stop at Dollar General and pick up a pregnancy test. When I was finally able to take the test, it read positive almost immediately! I was pregnant!  I was crying, shaking and completely blown away. I was pregnant, 6 years and 9 months after try to conceive. I anxiously waited for Brandon to come home, but he found the test before I found him. He had found the test that I thought I had hid. He also found the box and was looking at the directions page. I don’t  think I will ever forget his face when he turned around, he was smiling ear to ear. I said, “I am pregnant!”

A couple of days later I started spotting. I was scared but tried to not freak out. While at work I listened to a song by Hillsong United, “Young and Free- Sinking Deep” while crying. I clung to the words, “All fears removed, I breathe you in, I lean into your love”. I listened to that over and over until I truly felt peace and calm.

The nurse finally called back and said that my progesterone levels were low and that I should come up the next day to get suppositories to use. I told her I was spotting and the doctor said I needed to come in to do another blood test. So I did. I was scared but felt peace at the same time. After a series of texts, my progesterone levels had gone up but not doubled like they wanted. This was such a battle of trusting God again. Would we now have to walk through miscarriage? I couldn’t see how this would turn out okay when my levels were low with spotting. I was trying to trust, but I was so scared.

I was planning on leaving for the Mom’s in the Making Conference in Texas the next day, but I didn’t want to have a miscarriage on the trip. My doctor knew I was planning to leave so she ordered an ultrasound. Once she started the ultrasound, we finally saw the flickering on the screen, our baby’s heartbeat! It was the most amazing thing to see. I was so relieved and thankful, our baby was okay! I felt comfortable leaving for the conference.

I was nauseous and wanted to tell the friends I was driving with because I needed to insert progesterone suppositories while driving. Over lunch, my friend asked me about the conference and I told her that Caroline (founder of Mom’s in the Making), said she was believing for a downpour of babies 9 months after the conference. My friend responded, that means you would be pregnant now, and I said, I am!

I was excited and nervous once I arrived at the conference. I walked into the room for supper to see all the women there, including a few women that have blessed me through their online ministries, I felt so emotional that I wanted to burst into tears!  A woman at my table asked if we could share our journeys, so within ten minutes of being there, I shared a very short version and said I was pregnant while crying. Two ladies at the table were also going through secondary infertility and told me that my story gave them so much hope.

I wanted to cry through most of the conference. I was so overwhelmed, thankful and humbled. There were all these ladies and we were all going through the same thing, why was it my turn to be pregnant? God ministered to my heart that night and I asked him to forgive me for how I treated him, he healed my heart. It was a great evening.  

When the evening ended, we were handed a little package with a prophetic card! Mine said- I heard the phrase- “I will celebrate and sing unto the Lord and I will dance with JOY before him”. Your time of sadness and despair has ended. The Lord’s Joy has and will give you new strength. You will dance joyfully on all your past hurts and disappointments!

WOW, what a special gift from God! If this was the only thing I would have gotten at this conference, it would have been worth it!

The next day I found out that I am Fruitful volunteers wrote the cards, a ministry that blessed me over the past 2 years! Lauren Bourne, the founder, that morning and afterwards I went and asked if I could take a picture with Lauren. I started crying as I told her my story! She hugged me and said they have a prayer team that would love to be praying for me my whole pregnancy!

The TTC community is not a group I ever wanted to be a part of, but I’ll tell you what, it is an honor to walk beside women who are warriors and who are fighting so hard!

Hi there, Amanda here! What an honor to receive this story of God’s faithfulness of a pregnancy after trying to conceive after almost 7 years! It was hard to get through the whole story without tears! If you’re interested in connecting with Nikki, you can find her rocking her new little daughters outfits on instagram (@nikkihelmuth).