Healing to a Broken Heart 

-Amanda Brown-

I lost two babies in my first trimester soon after Nolan and I were married. The first baby made it to 10.5 weeks and that was the first time I felt that deep grief. I was 20 years old and had never even heard of a miscarriage. It was scary and lonely but most of all completely devastating.

I had always wanted a family so getting pregnant soon after getting married felt like moving in the right direction! I was so young and had so much learning to do about life - nevertheless that pain was real and something I can still feel 7 years later. Unfortunately, we were given no answers as to why I lost the baby and told it was ok to try again.

Almost a year and a half later I took another pregnancy test and it was positive! We were thrilled but I had a deep gut wrenching feeling that not all was ok. I scheduled an appointment and requested to be seen early. I went in just before 9 weeks and they were unable to find a heartbeat. They told me there was a gestational sac and I was just super early. I knew they were wrong. When you struggle to get pregnant, you track everything (including your basal body temperature every morning). I asked for some blood work before I left and eventually went home feeling sad. Later that afternoon I started to miscarry again. I felt like a hollow shell. Why was this happening? We struggled to grasp the idea that this was happening.

We moved to Northern Colorado to help plant a church. In that time period, we were able to see a fantastic doctor who was “on my side” saying yes something is wrong, let’s run some tests. We discovered that I had endometriosis via a sonohysterogram but without surgery we couldn’t tell how extensive it was. I was told my best course of action was to start seeing a fertility specialist to discuss options.

We knew insurance wouldn’t cover it and there were no guaranteed results. We eventually decided to give up on fertility testing/bloodwork and move forward with an international adoption!  Over two years had passed since our last miscarriage; we were “paper pregnant” and in the midst of fundraising when we took a break and headed to Mexico for a baby moon. When we got home, I realized I was late for my cycle and decided to test. I held my breathe and it was a positive! For 9 months I feel like we tiptoed through praying to make it just another day. Our rainbow baby Hudson was finally born, and let me tell you, that was the best feeling!

I felt healing coming to my broken heart. — I openly share all of this with my community and so many women I meet because miscarriages happen daily to women all around us and yet somehow, when you are experiencing it, you feel alone and broken. I have friends who have gone through several rounds of IVF and lost every baby. I have a good friend who is in the category of “we don’t have an answer for you” and hasn’t been able to get pregnant for 8 years. I have a friend who decided to “wait” to have kids until her 30s only to find out she needs fertility treatments.

Friends of mine have gone through multiple losses, stillborns, and unspoken infertility. Somehow I am the blessed friend who gets to walk with them through it. I sit and listen. I encourage them. Pray for them. Fundraise with them. Celebrate their highs and cry with them in their lows. This is life. The unspoken, dark side of life.

This loss is something that no woman is ever prepared for and feels alone and may feel ashamed at times to share. Through my occasional sharing of my story or my friends recommendations, I have women I’ve never met reach out - they’re alone, scared, sad, and need someone to talk to. Someone who’s been there! 

I don’t wish it on anyone and I certainly wish I had my babies here today but oh I am so grateful that now I can grieve and connect with other women. I can truly say I know how you feel and love them. I can sit with them in their pain and feel it — If you’re reading this, I encourage you to do the same. Share your story. Join others in theirs. Cry and laugh. This is the hard part of life. We must find healing and I truly believe the best way is through community and standing with one another finding our way out of the darkness!