My Story
Kirsten Ferguson
My husband D’Brickashaw and I had been married for almost 3 years when we decided that it was time for us to grow our family. After few months of trying with a bunch of trial and errors we were able to conceive! We were so excited! I really thought that this was just the next step in life and really didn’t have any concerns or fears when it came to pregnancy. We had our six week ultra sound appointment the Tuesday before Mother’s Day and were going to share the great news with our family that Sunday after church. We went in for our ultrasound and discovered that there was no heartbeat, just an empty sack. I was devastated. I knew people had their struggles with trying to conceive but I never thought it would happen to me. The doctors tried to keep me optimistic but I knew in my gut our baby was gone. After a few more ultrasounds it was determined that this was not a viable pregnancy and that I was going to miscarry any day. I decided on the pill option and wanted to pass the baby at home vs. having a D&C. After a few hours of some mild cramping, it all began to happen. I was in the worst pain of my life and passed our baby on the toilet later that evening.
After a few weeks of pretty heavy bleeding, my doctors wanted to run some more tests on me. Something just didn’t seem right. My numbers were dropping very slowly and I was having breakthrough bleeding that was extremely uncomfortable. After a bunch of testing they discovered that due to the intense nature of my miscarriage, I had developed an abnormal blood vessel on my uterus (Uterine Arteriovenous Malformation) that required a procedure be done and because of this we had to wait another 6 months before we could start trying again. Which those that are trying to have a baby would understand that 6 months can feel like an eternity.
During the waiting time, I found that I was most challenged by God. I was faced with challenges in my faith, with my marriage and just being able to do everyday life. The waiting time could be a very lonely one if you are surrounded by people that all have children and you can’t relate to anything they are going through. But I now know, God wanted me to go through this so I could lean on HIM more. Trust in HIM more and believe that HE is the author or our story, not me. I had to release all of the control over to HIM.
After those LONG six months passed, we were finally given the green light to start trying again. And within the first month of trying, we were pregnant again! I was very excited but also very cautious. I couldn’t wait to share my story of how God brought us threw one of the darkest periods of my life. So we went for our 6 week ultrasound and we saw a heartbeat! It is the most beautiful sound anyone can ever hear. Fast forward two weeks later, my doctor just wanted to keep a close eye on my pregnancy given everything we had been through, so she told me to get an ultrasound at 8 weeks. My husband was running late but I decided to go in anyway. My numbers have been good and we saw the heartbeat before so I wasn’t thinking anything of it. I laid down and they put the gel on my belly and looked at the screen and all I remember seeing was our beautiful baby laying at the bottom of the sack, with no heartbeat. I can’t even describe my heartbreak at this point. My husband walked in the room and I just remember calling out to God … WHY? Why are you doing this to us? Haven’t we been faithful? What have I done wrong God? I was completely broken.
We decided on the D&C this time so that we would have the opportunity to test the fetus to see if there were any abnormalities. There were none. I just wanted answers and I wasn’t getting them from the doctors or God. I was completely broken and felt betrayed by God. I felt like I really gave over everything to him and yet he still allowed this to happen to me. I couldn’t understand it and I found myself very angry with God. Church also became a very difficult place for me. I really struggled praising God in the dark times but we kept going. One week, I was having a really difficult time and I was crying. A woman whom I had never met before came up to me and asked me if she could give me a word from God. I just looked at her like she was crazy but I said “Sure”. She said something very simple but changed my whole life that day. She just simply said “God has not forgotten you”. I broke down crying even harder once she said that and I told her that she had no idea how much those words meant to me. I felt at peace, I felt like God was with me and I wasn’t alone. I felt like he was right there mourning with me about my babies. I may never understand the “why” but I do know in my heart that God brought me through it for a reason and a purpose. In that moment I didn’t know if I would ever have children but I did know that God was with me and heard the desires of my heart.
A few months later, we were able to start trying again. Like the time before, we were able to get pregnant right away. I was a nervous wreck my whole pregnancy and leaned on the Lord every single day! God Blessed us with our beautiful baby girl Eden Grace on March 18th 2015 and then her sister, Emery Faith on July 14th 2016. Every day I thank God not only for these two miracle babies that he has given us but also for the journey it took for us to get here. It was one of the most challenging times of my life but my faith in the Lord grew exponentially. I know in my heart that God did not forget about me and I know he never will.
God Bless you all!
Kirsten Ferguson
