Secondary Infertility & Autumn Rains

- Lauren Derby -

Everyone’s story is different. I haven’t gone through all the long trials and losses that many others have endured, but there were still difficult days. My husband and I’s journey through infertility and trying to conceive actually started with our second child. We were married 5 years ago, and I got pregnant with our daughter about a year later. Everything was going exactly as we had planned. We had no idea that I had some hidden health issues so when it came time for another baby we didn’t know what was ahead for us.

 My husband and I wanted our children to be close in age. I grew up in a household full of siblings, and that’s what I’ve always dreamed my home would be like as well.  I am a firm believer that children are blessings and I want lots of those blessings. I became frustrated and impatient because after my first pregnancy my body never “woke back up”. Two years later and we couldn’t even begin to try to have another baby so I finally made a doctor appointment to see what my options were. My doctor suggested Clomid. I was very excited to finally be doing something and to move forward, but that first month I developed 4 large ovarian cysts. I was at high risk for ovarian torsion and put on bed rest until they shrunk while also considering surgery. Eventually, my cysts did shrink, I was referred to a fertility specialist, diagnosed with PCOS, and started a treatment plan with them. However, during this time of bedrest and failure, I was very upset and dealing with a lot of negative emotions. I had lost months waiting for my cysts to shrink, and wondering if surgery was the right choice. I felt hopeless. My best friend had become pregnant, and much to my shame, I was terribly jealous. We had been pregnant together before, and we had joked about doing it again. That joke had begun to sting and haunt me as she started to show and plan for a baby. I felt left behind in a group of friends with many pregnancies. I wasn’t proud of the way I felt, and I didn’t have anyone I was comfortable talking to – I felt very alone. I didn’t even want to talk to my husband about all of this. He wasn’t as concerned about the time loss and health issues as I was – I probably should’ve taken notes from him. It was during this time that I found the I am Fruitful ministry. I began listening to Lauren and Billy every day and made an honest attempt to have a better attitude about my situation. I found a group of people who were dealing with the same things as me. What happened next was such a God thing. I started to really grow and hear from the Holy Spirit. I could feel my spirit start to soar and I had hope again.

A major turning point for me was when I finally spent time trying to listen for the Holy Spirit. I remember it so vividly. I was driving with my daughter in the car and spending some time in prayer. I was attempting to quiet my mind so I could be open to anything the Lord wanted to tell me. It felt so awkward trying this for the first time. As I sat there trying to keep my mind still, my daughter piped up from the back seat saying, “Mommy?” At first I was frustrated because I didn’t want her to interrupt my quiet time, but I stopped and asked her, “What is it, honey?” She just sat there looking at me and didn’t say anything. I remember thinking, ok good, I can go back to what I was doing. I settled in to try to listen for the Lord again when just a few seconds later she did it again. “Mommy?” This time I said, “Adeline, what do you need? What is it?” I knew I couldn’t help her unless she told me what it was she wanted, but again she didn’t say a word. She just sat in her car seat staring at me. Then immediately brought into my mind was Matthew 7:11. I was amazed that it was just there – I knew it wasn’t my own thought:

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask Him?”

It hit me so hard because I realized that this entire journey had been spent without asking God for anything. At first I thought we could do it alone, then I thought the doctor could do it, and now I was leaning on a fertility specialist. Not God. I had been trying to make it all happen in my timing and without His help. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t asked for a baby in prayer. In fact, at first I thought that there is no way I hadn’t asked for a baby. The more I thought about it the more I saw that He was right. He wanted to me ask for a baby, to lean and trust in Him. From that day forward, I felt I had a promise from my Father that someday I would have another baby – I just didn’t know when. I began asking the Lord for a baby in my prayer time.

It was shortly after this, that my sister-in-law told me she was expecting. If this had happened two months earlier, I would have had a totally different experience. I would’ve felt jealous and a whole lot of other negative feelings. Instead, I was genuinely happy for her. I still experienced the momentary twinge at hearing about another pregnancy, but I was able to move past it quickly. I put a huge smile on my face, hugged and congratulated her, and I meant it. I believed she deserved to be happy and that my miracle was still coming. This is all because of what the Holy Spirit was working in me. I was filled with hope, and I didn’t want to have my joy stolen and time wasted.

The last time I took a negative pregnancy test was after a month that I had felt so sure it would happen. All month long, I just KNEW this was THE month. The morning I chose to test, I was so excited - so unlike most days I choose to take a test. I remember trying to distract myself while I was waiting for the results to develop. I was scrolling through Facebook, of all places, when I stumbled upon an old co-worker’s post that leapt off the page at me. It was another instance that God reached down to remind me that His timing is perfect. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that this was for me specifically:

What a joy it is for those whose strength comes from the Lord. When they walk through the Valley of Weeping (a place of BARRENNESS, struggles, and tears). It will become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it in blessings. They will continue to grow stronger and each of them will appear before God in Jerusalem.
— Psalm 84:5-7

I didn’t need to look down at my pregnancy test to know that it was negative. This was also the first time that a negative test didn’t make me sad. I had another reminder of the promise God gave me. He would bring me out of the barrenness and clothe me in blessings. I wasn’t having a baby that month, but I would have a baby. What I didn’t know was that it would be the next month.

God is so good. I didn’t realize it at the time, but had He also told me when I would have my baby. When I found out I was pregnant and my due date was decided, I revisited that verse. Not often in the bible is the wording “autumn rains” used and I feel this word choice was deliberate – I am due this fall. I’ve grown so much over this journey that now I’m actually thankful for this period of my life. I’ve drawn closer to the Lord because of the conversation and compassion He has had for me. It is my hope and prayer that every single man and woman struggling with infertility gets to experience the miracle of becoming a parent in God’s perfect timing. After all, it is God’s wish to give each and every one “a hope and a future.”


It's the other Lauren here! Gaaaah!!! Tear-jerker, right? But doesn't this story just ooze with hope?! Lauren was one of our original Periscope gals. She's been watching and listening for months, and I've so enjoyed getting to know her virtually! She reached out with an update at the end of 2017 and I couldn't help but share it with you:

"For someone going through a period of waiting: waiting on a promotion, waiting in a diagnosis, waiting for a difficult time to pass, waiting for a baby, or whatever your situation may be, please trust that it's just that..... A period. It will end eventually.

It's absolutely crazy how different one year can be from another. For me, 2015 was full of frustrations and challenges. We wanted another baby and I was in the middle of learning about my PCOS diagnosis and fertility issues. We dealt with medications,  ovarian cysts at risk for torsion, and a slew of emotions. 2 years ago today I remember exactly how I felt. I couldn't sleep as I dwelled on the challenges we were having and wishing for a baby. My post was an attempt to appreciate what I had already and try to stay positive even though I DEFINITELY wasn't feeling it. 

Little did I know that EXACTLY one year later, I would be holding my precious, tiny 1 day old son. God is so good. 
If you're going through the muck and the mire of some personal battle, hang in there. You don't know where the finish line is, but trust that it is indeed there and could be a lot closer than you think." 

Thank you Lauren for being there to help and encourage other families going through infertility and TTC.


It is a tremendous blessing for me to share her story with you because THIS is what God has called me to do– to encourage you to hear from the Holy Spirit for yourself, to fuel up your hope, and to make good use of the waiting!

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