by Amanda Hogue
With the holidays approaching, we are offering a guide to supporting adopting parents through the holidays (and beyond!).
The holidays can be a difficult season for waiting parents as another milestone approaches and they find themselves still in a waiting season. Holidays can be the hardest because the business of life slows down and the focus turns to our families and children.
If there’s one thing you can do that will truly support and care for families who adopt or provide foster care for children, it’s this: pray! Pray for the Lord’s strength as they actively prepare to meet the needs of their children. Pray for wisdom as they navigate new experiences and unexpected challenges. Pray for peace for expectant mothers as they seek a permanent plan for her unplanned pregnancy.
Many adopting friends tell me they feel ghosted by friends and family, and my non-adopting friends have no idea how to offer support! So we’'ve compiled a quick list of a few ways we felt the most supported through our adoption.
Financial - adopting is very expensive, between $35,000-$65,000 for either a Domestic or International Adoption. Most people aren’t able to pull that out of savings and many times they are met with more debt than they expected.
Offer to host a garage sale fundraiser - collect donations from friends and host a garage sale
Instead of buying Christmas/birthday gifts, donate to their adoption fund. Every dollar helps. If they don’t have one, give money to them directly.
Offer hand-me-downs or to borrow things - adopting parents often can’t afford new items and definitely appreciate used baby items, especially the higher ticket items. My favorite was when I was able to give the item back to my friend to use for their next baby!
Ask about the financial part. It was most definitely the most stressful part of our adoption and I could have used the encouragement, plus I loved sharing how God was providing through all the little ways. It was always a confirmation of how God was supporting our adoption.
If they post a donation link online, share it! You never know who’s heart that will touch and may donate
If you own a small business, Etsy shop, etc. offer your customers a promo weekend with a percentage donated to the fund.
Conversations- it looks different than a conversation with a pregnant mother because they have a due date and an idea of when the little one will join their family. It’s easy for friends to shy away from the conversations, but this is the time to lean into your relationship with them.
Ask about the process. It might be complicated but your friend will appreciate having someone who cares enough to ask. If you’re close, they may be willing to share when their profile is being shown and allow you to shoulder the hardness of the time spent waiting to hear back.
Ask them about raising their child in a culture that mirrors adoption. It’s part of the adoption education and sometimes it’s helpful to have someone to chat what that looks like in real life.
Educate yourself on adoption. It’s so easy for adopting parents to feel like it’s their responsibility to educate everyone around them, especially if they aren’t part of an adopting community, so it’s appreciated when you approach the conversation with appropriate adoption language.
Don’t say things like, “your child is so lucky” because a lucky child would be raised by their biological parents. I’ll always feel that we’re so lucky to parent our adopted daughter.
People say silly things… don’t be that person. Just support and say things like, “God knows when your child will come, he has his/her birthday already chosen. Your child is out there. God didn’t start this adoption process to quit halfway through.” When something really tough happens, “This isn’t a surprise to God, he already is working on the redemption of this. I’m standing with you in faith”. Once you’ve said those things just listen.
Gifts - do you wait for a baby shower? Until they bring their baby home?
Our best gifts were points for a hotel for a long stay in the city our daughter was born in, someone coming to clean our house because we left in such a hurry, a friend ordered crib sheets, washed and made her crib before we got back. It literally makes me tear up to think about how our community showed up for us. Think about what they need and just show up.
We received the traditional gifts; meals once we brought her home, someone to hold her for an hour so I could shower and nap, stopping by to do my dishes on a random Tuesday… and garbage bags of hand me down clothes.
Friends reached out and TOLD me what they were going to do because I couldn’t plan for a thing. I was anxious to hang out with friends because I wasn’t recovering from giving birth so I wanted ALL the people to come over! When I said, please come in and hang out for an hour, I meant it.
Buy gender neutral baby gifts. If you see a blanket that speaks to you, grab it for them! It was so precious when friends would give me things for our future baby. Books are always a good idea.
Ask them when they would prefer to have their shower. Was it easier to buy for a baby that wasn’t here yet because they could feel more prepared? Or did they want to wait until after they brought the baby home? It’s a highly personal decisions and heavily debated in the adoption community as part of the ethics conversation, so don’t pressure either way. Give them the option and let the adopting parents decide.
Give them all the things you loved for your baby. So many times all the research and work is done for the adoption, they don’t have a chance to figure out what they actually need for their child, so give them your favorite diaper rash creams, lotions, shampoos.
